This topic contains 14 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Tiffany 3 weeks, 4 days ago.
January 28, 2020 at 7:32 pm #22121
TiffanyClick here to help answer someone else's question.
I might sent this on FB already, but here it is.
I’ve just started dating and saving sex for marriage. I have told my bf before so he known, but sometimes he would insist and wants me to stay with him overnight. I would think of my mom and tell him she would be worry, he gets angry at me for always think of how my mom says or thinks and unable to make my own choices since we are both adult enough. Over the weekend, he’s mad about it and hasn’t responded my calls or text since Sunday, almost 2-3 days. I’m trying to ignore him, no text, call, post anything, etc to give him space and time. What should I do next and do you think he would think through? He did say probably out of anger that he doesn’t think our relationship would continue to work since i rejected that 3 times. 🙁January 31, 2020 at 9:08 am #22133
You should not make anymore calls or texts to him until he has responded to you.
Yes, he will think this through.
Though he may have complained about you not being able to make your own choices, particularly around his desire for you to stay with him overnight, his main source of frustration is his inability to get you to have sex with him.
He has continued insisting on having sex even though you let him know from the start that you are saving sex for marriage and have since turned him down 3 times.
As long as you don’t contact him, he will most likely contact you again.
However, the main reason for doing this may be the desire to see if he can still somehow get you to have sex with him.
So far, he has chosen not to respect your decision to save sex for marriage. Unfortunately, this doesn’t bode well for your relationship with him.
He may stick around for a while as he continues trying to get you to have sex with him. However, the moment someone else that he finds attractive gives him an opportunity to have sex with them, he may abandon you.
Although you don’t want it to be over, it may be best to strongly consider whether it would be worth it to stick around with this guy until he most likely abandons you for someone who is willing to have sex with him before marriage.February 19, 2020 at 7:33 am #22270
Thank you Luke for the respond,
He did contact me and we talked. I had a chance to visit his place and spent some nights (we didn’t have sex; just cuddled) He respected that now, but would prefer that we try to it a safe way to see how compatible we are before marriage so we can talk about the changes.
He’s been talking about marriage with me and not patient about waiting for a bit longer since we haven’t dated for a year. He wants me to move in with him soon, which i disagree because of a new job I just started, so he’s angry again. This time, I let him be, no calls or texts. He can be stubborn and patient when getting mad without contacting me for couple days. I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to be mad for long if it’s simple thing. So, I hope for him to change that, but can’t think of another way besides giving him space. What do you think I should do?February 19, 2020 at 8:44 pm #22273
He likes getting his way. When he doesn’t, he tries to get back at the person by not contacting them.
Getting him to change this kind of behavior requires that you don’t give in to him.
If you contact him during one of his angry spells, you will just play into his hands. He will know that you will give in to him when he gets mad by contacting him first and this will only encourage him to keep acting in this way.
To get him to change, you will have to avoid playing into his hands.
Don’t contact him when he behaves in this way. Let him reach out to you first.
In time, it will get a lot harder for him to keep acting in this way because he knows that you are not falling for it.
This realization is more than likely what will eventually get him to stop behaving in this way for good.February 20, 2020 at 6:51 pm #22288
Thank you Luke,
I think I failed at doing that this time. Every time i wanted to ignore him until he messages me, i failed. I wanted to let him know that he’s hurting our relationship. So I messaged him to express how I feel yesterday and today. Also, maybe i need to set a rule for how long he can stay mad because he can be stubborn and patient. He’s rushing to marry me, have me move in, and talked nonsense like I can be unemployed for a few months first. That’s when I said, “don’t be crazy” and he got mad on Monday. I want him to know that im not ready and i told him that on message on Wednesday. He just read, but not responded yet.
This is what I sent for today (Thursday) (if you don’t mind) “Ik you are doing podcast tonight, so have fun. I want to talk to you so we can meet somewhere in the middle to solve it. I know you love me, but if you stay mad for too long, it hurts our relationship. I don’t want to see that. I respect you and I would love that you do the same. I’m sorry if I’ve offended you in a way.” I think he can’t be silent forever. It’s not the game to win or lose, but solve it as a matured person rather than being childish and closed minded. He’s taking too long to hold grudges over something simple and be too emotional about it. I feel like even if i let him contacts first, he won’t learn and stop acting like that.
Do you think he will cool off and get back to me soon? Hopefully, i didn’t annoy him by sending him those. 🙁February 20, 2020 at 10:54 pm #22302
Yes, he will cool off and get back to you.
He will most likely do it sooner, as long as you refrain from sending him anymore messages.
If you keep giving in to him by reaching out because you are fearful that he will stay mad for too long, he will keep acting up every time he doesn’t get his way.
On the contrary, if you let him start contacting you first, it will only be a matter of time before he stops this kind of behavior because it will simply become too emotionally exhausting to keep doing it when he knows that he won’t win.
As you stated, you have repeatedly failed to let him contact you first. Hence, you know what you need to work on.February 22, 2020 at 10:54 am #22318
I will try to be patient. On Friday’s morning, he texted me (respond to my text) saying that I was indecisive and tradition has beholden me from being myself. He wants someone independent. I took awhile and just texted back admitted that i was still working hard on it to change on my own and asked if it’s something that he can also help me, both can work on it together, but at the same time wondering if he can also value my opinions and feelings. He hasn’t texted me back. I will try to not message him back until he gets back to me. What do you think i should do next?
I really want to cool him down and not drag the issue for too long.February 23, 2020 at 11:02 pm #22344
Just let him get back to you.
Get busy with your own life so that you are not tempted to message him again before having received his reply.
He will cool down naturally as long as you don’t keep initiating text messages to him.March 11, 2020 at 9:04 am #24093
I want to get an advice from you.
It seems that he’s easily get mad, surrounding the same issues that i’m not grown up yet (influenced by my mom and tradition so much that I forgot to be myself) or that i said no when he wanted more than just cuddling and making out. He gave me back the bracelet and said won’t visit for the next 3 months. I have to admit that he has good points and i’m still trying to grow up more. I haven’t contacted him since Sunday and he hasn’t either. I’m trying hard to not contact him for this whole week. Last time we made a deal of limit 6 hours to cool off, but he still hasn’t contacted me. I’ve been wanting to move out, but i just hope he can be patient and encourage me to grow up, not by getting upset and behave so childish sometimes. How should I solve this? Is returning the bracelet means it’s over?March 11, 2020 at 11:11 pm #24427
In his eyes, solving it requires your independence. As long as he feels that you are too heavily influenced by your mom and tradition, he will keep getting mad.
This will often lead him to act out of emotion just like he just did in returning the bracelet.
Returning the bracelet doesn’t mean that it’s over.
In returning the bracelet and telling you that he won’t visit for 3 months, he is trying to spur or even scare you into taking action to become independent.
All of this emotion that he exhibits is often an indication of investment. He has invested in you emotionally to an extent and to that effect, it will be hard for him to stay true to his word.
Due to this kind of emotional investment, he will most likely want to visit you a lot sooner than 3 months.
As of now, he has no intention of letting you go.March 13, 2020 at 3:27 pm #24666
Thank you Luke,
I feel like you have looked through him, know him perfectly. Should I check back with him, let him know my plan of moving out or wait until he messages me? He hasn’t contacted me yet( the whole week)March 14, 2020 at 12:15 am #24670
You are welcome Tiffany.
If he hasn’t contacted you the whole week, he is trying to make a statement. However, it will only last so long before he is unable to help himself but to reach out.
Let him do that first.
It is better for him to discover your plan of moving out after having reached out to you first.
It puts you in a more powerful position.
If you were to reach out to him first and tell him that you are moving out, he may feel that you are doing it to appease him and that his no contact strategy worked.
He will feel empowered by this.
You don’t want his head to get any bigger than it already is.
So, let him message you first.March 14, 2020 at 10:19 am #24671
I still failed Luke. I’m still working on controlling my emotions and be more patience. He read, but hasn’t responded.
I want to win over him when he messages back (if you think he will) by ignoring and making him wait like I’ve been. Will it be a good idea?
He needs to work harder to win me back, apologize for hurting and ignoring me these days, and earn back the bracelet.March 14, 2020 at 9:18 pm #24672
If you can’t control your emotions and allow yourself to practice patience, it will be impossible to ever get him to the position that you desire.August 29, 2020 at 4:29 pm #24987
We’re back together since March and recently I don’t know what’s with him. I was mad at him for something simple and when i confronted him, he explained but turned around to say that he’s not in the mood for my attitude. I texted back in a nice tone that next time he just let me know. Although he still answered my text on Thursday, he ignored it on Friday when i tried to send him a good morning text. I tried to call over the weekend once, but no pick up. I sent an apology that I was at fault in a way and he got me worry that I risked it to contact his coworker to ask how work is going since it’s been stressful. He sent a message back to me that i should not contact his friends. He even said that “Honestly, I’m pretty pissed off at you just as a whole. I really do not want contact with you at the moment.”
It hurt me a lot and since that day he sent, i have been quiet, no text, no call. I don’t know what to do or what his words mean anymore.