Is it hopeless

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  • #20883 Reply

    mark oliverio

    I’m 26, I’ll be 27 next month. I was dating this girl for 4 months. She’s also 26 and will also be 27 next month. About 2 months ago we were getting pizza. I ran into get it, she looked through my texts and saw one from a guy friend of mine she didn’t like. He was rude to her a few months back. When I got back in the car she asked me if I’d ever talked to him. I said no because I hadn’t. The last time we had an actual conversation I asked him to apologize to her and he said he wouldn’t. Coincidentally, he had invited me and another friend to his house earlier in the week. Maybe it was an attempt to reach out to me. Maybe he just didn’t consider our last conversation. He’s a very oblivious person which is why he ended up offending her. He says and does things that a person just shouldn’t do at 26. He’s cocky to the point of being arrogant and always thinks he right even though he never is. (I’ve known him since 6th grade and our parents are neighbors.) However, I didn’t go because I was going to be hanging out with my girlfriend. So I replied to the invite saying “maybe, probably going out though.” After that I never really thought about it again because it wasn’t important. I would have told her about it if it was. She never explicitly asked me to not be friends with this kid. I took it upon myself to tell him we weren’t going to be around each other if he didn’t apologize.
    So to make a long story short, she’s mad that I lied to her about speaking to this guy even though it was literally a 2 text exchange between us. As I said I hadn’t talked to him for months out of respect for her because he said he wouldn’t apologize. We fought that night. I tried to apologize and explain that I didn’t lie with any malice in my heart, I just didn’t think it was something worth telling. This was Saturday night.
    I asked her why she went through my phone. I never gave her any reason to not trust me. She said she did it because I said I had nothing to hide. And I didn’t have anything to hide. I didn’t know it was a problem to decline an invitation. She says it’s not that I texted him it’s because I lied when she asked me about it. But again, it was literally an invite in a group message where I declined with one sentence. I didn’t consider that the same thing as talking.
    Sunday morning we spoke over text still arguing then we didn’t speak until Tuesday. She said she would give me another chance. On Thursday night she sent me this nice text saying “I’m sorry for being so distant but when you lied it crushed me.” She also said she wished we were together laying under the stars. I was very touched and reiterated how much I care for her and how much I regret the argument. Friday afternoon she texted me again and asked me to call her because she needed to talk. She told me how she was thinking we needed to take some time off and just be friends for a while. Which I Saudi said I couldn’t do. I see so much more for us and I want to touch and kiss her. I’d feel like an ass watching other guys come up to her and not being able to do anything about it. She said she needed time to think about what she wants and that she needed to be single.
    You see, she was in a two year relationship before ours. When we started up she had only been out of it for a few months. She once hinted that it had gotten pretty brutal for a while. So it felt like at times she was comparing me to her ex. Who by all account was a real douche. He was about 8 years older and didn’t have an actual job. I won’t say what he did but it wasn’t exactly legal. Let’s just say he fancied himself as a Soprano or Godfather type, when in reality it seems like he was more like Jersey Shore.
    However, it’s worth noting that a few weeks earlier she had told me that she was falling in love with me and how she feels safe with me and how she a future together. And that she trust’s me and knows I would never do things to hurt her. We would text every day and we always told each other how happy we were that we reconnected. We worked at the mall together in college. Ironically, we weren’t really friends. I was actually closer to her sister.
    It’s also worth noting that it was her idea to have sex the first time and become official. The original plan was to wait, establish ourselves and then move on to the physical relationship. I was fine with that. I was okay going as slow as needed. The night it happened I constantly asked her if she was sure she wanted to take that step.
    I’ve tried to reach out a couple times. Admittedly, it was probably too much.
    The first time it was because she had left some stuff at my house and I asked if she wanted it. Also, we had booked a trip together and I wanted to know if I should cancel it. I didn’t want to but she told me I should. Then I tried to explain that I miss her and want to work through the issue. That we don’t have to throw everything away. She responded by saying she didn’t know what I wanted her to say. That she asked me for space and that I only gave it to her for a a few days. And that I was only going to push her away more by being emotional. Then I didn’t contact her for a week.
    I noticed that she had Venmo’d me money. I didn’t know what it was for so I asked, turns out it was half the cancellation fee. After a few messages back and forth I sent this:
    “I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do. But I’ve been thinking about what happened between us and I really regret it. I should have handled it differently. The interaction I had with him was insignificant to me but I should have thought about you. l should have just told you when you asked me about it. There was no malice, I just wasn’t thinking clearly. I should I have told him again that there would be no hanging out until he apologized to you because you’re the one who is important to me. I understand why you feel betrayed. And you’re right, I was less than trustable and I apologize. But I can be better. I pray this isn’t done for forever.”
    She didn’t respond. I let my emotions get the best of me and messaged her a couple more times. I shouldn’t have.
    When she responded about 2 days later, she told me to let it go. However, she also once told me that she likes people who are persistent.
    Literally the night before, she was talking to me about how good we were together and talking about “our wedding” and “our kids” and how she picked out names already.
    I went no contact for about a month and about 2 weeks ago now, I reached out. Just said “Hi. How’s everything? Been thinking about you.” She replied the next day with “Mark please stop. You are starting to scare me how you are acting. First you were blowing me up and then sent me an email, followed me on Instagram then deactivated it, now you deactivate your Facebook.” Which I did. She kind of asked me to delete my IG when we started dating because of other girls. I didn’t have a problem with that. But when we broke up I made an account again. I followed her because she showed up in my suggested friends list. I know it may seem like I was trying to keep tabs on her but I swear that was not the case. If anything, my mind was telling me to rebound and try to reconnect with a girl I used to talk to but turned down a few months prior.
    (I don’t know why it matters that I deactivated my social media. I don’t know how she would even know unless she was actually trying to look at my profiles.)
    I decided that wasn’t at all what I really wanted so I deleted the Instagram account the next day. Then I deactivated my Facebook because I was scared of what I might see and so I wouldn’t contact her there. Anyways, on Saturday I responded with “I was only trying to give you space like you asked. I deleted Instagram because I don’t like it. And I’ve been afraid of what I might see on Facebook so I deactivated it. I’m certainly not trying to scare you. I care about you. But I’ll stay out of contact if it’s what you want.”
    Last week, she popped up in a dream of mine so when I woke up I sent what I would consider the clean-slate text. I said “Hi, just wanted to apologize for the way I acted. I understand if you don’t want to speak to me. I swear to remain out of contact but I had to apologize one last time.” Then I deleted her number so I can’t text her again.
    I have been trying to work on myself, I joined a gym, interviewing for new jobs, starting praying/going to church when I can even started talking to a therapist.
    I know what I need to change in a relationship. I need to stop being so anxious and needing reassurance. I just feel like I’ve always had bad luck and things are too often too good to be true. This situation hasn’t helped that at all.
    I know for a fact that I treated her better than any man ever has in her life because she, her friends and sister told me as much. And by all accounts she really liked me. After our second date, she told me she felt like we had a connection. Like we were both supposed to be there and she cut contact with some other guys she had been talking to because she only wanted to pursue things with me.
    It’s obvious she has some trust issues. She told me every boyfriend she’s ever had cheated on her and the last on abused her. She told me that her dad even cheated on her mom when she was little and they got divorced. Growing up, she only lived with him because she had to but they have no contact now.
    There have been other instances of her showing trust issues. On our fourth date, she accused me of looking at other girls. I wasn’t. I just have a tendency to look around the room, especially when I’m out in public or in unfamiliar places. Another time she told me she had a dream that I was only using her to get close to her friend. Which of course wasn’t true as I didn’t even know her friend. The only time I was around her friend was the few times all the couples went to dinner.
    One night we went to a baseball game and as were walking, I noticed that the couple in front of us was holding hands. I tried to hold her hand and be flirty and affectionate and she got mad because she didn’t like PDA. I didn’t consider holding hands PDA. However, the next night, she got mad at me again because she wanted be to be affectionate in public and I kind of pulled away because of the argument we had the night before. I just didn’t know what she wanted. We fought again that night but then from that point on everything was good because she said I reassured her that I’m a genuine person and that I truly care about her. Which is what prompted her to tell me she was falling in love with me. Because as we were fighting that particular night, I said “I don’t want to lose you but I can’t keep arguing over insignificant things. I’ll leave but it will be on you to reach out to me if you want this.” That’s when she said don’t do that because she’ll never make the first move. And then everything was going very well until about a month later when she looked at my phone and saw that that guy invited me to his house with other friends.
    As I said, within the first two weeks of the breakup I reached out too much. But I was torn between her saying she likes guys who are persistent and trying to give her space.
    I do want to fix things, obviously, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to get that chance. I’ve never been the type to go overboard with a girl. In the past, when things haven’t worked out with someone I’ve talked to, I may have been sad for a few days but I’ve always been able to move on.
    I know there are red flags but I think things can be worked out.
    I felt things for her that I’ve never felt in my life and I really don’t want to see this end permanently because I know there were genuine feelings there but anxiety and immaturity got in the way.
    I feel like I should just let it go because things haven’t improved. Its been about six weeks in all and I feel more helpless and hopeless every day. But at the same time, I feel like it can’t be the end because if she ever truly felt half the way she said she did then this shouldn’t change that, right?
    I’m just the type of person that believes feelings don’t change like that. Unless she lied to me. In that case it’s pretty hypocritical to call me a liar. Because one lie is much bigger than the other.

    #20884 Reply

    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi Mark,

    Yes, it is hopeless.

    You have made multiple attempts to contact her and there has been no progress in terms of getting her back.

    Even though she told you that she likes persistence, that is normally in reference to when she is being pursued by a guy for the first time.

    In your case, the both of you were already in a relationship.

    Hence, the persistence that you have now shown in trying to get her back is actually not the kind of persistence that she was referencing.

    She has trust issues with guys.

    Her last relationship was abusive and she has had a history of her boyfriends cheating on her.

    She has no contact with her father who cheated on her mother.

    During the course of your relationship with her, she has shown signs of insecurity.

    She showed this when she claimed that you were looking at other girls at the restaurant.

    She also showed this when she got angry about your attempt to hold her hand and show PDA after the baseball game.

    There is little doubt that the history that she has had when it comes to relationships, whether it be with a member of her family or her romantic relationships have affected her ability to let her guard down and trust someone.

    However, you were able to get her to lower her guard for a while.

    But, with a girl like this, anything can set her off and make her put her defensive wall back up again.

    This is why she reacted the way she did when she read the text that you exchanged with the guy friend that was rude to her.

    This made her put her defensive wall back up.

    Unfortunately, even if you were to somehow succeed in getting this girl back, the trust issue is most likely always going to be a problem.

    You will find yourself constantly having to defend your actions even when you did nothing wrong.

    She has to truly work on herself.

    She should actually not be getting into relationships at this time.

    However, she seems to need them.

    After all, she started dating you only a few months after a two year relationship with her ex.

    She may be the type who can’t stay single for very long when in fact she should spend some time on herself and try working on her insecurities.

    Based on her history, it is likely that she will get into another relationship with some other guy relatively soon.

    Unfortunately, he will most likely experience the same issues as you have.

    These would be issues with constant distrust and shifts in emotions.

    One day she doesn’t want PDA, next day she gets upset that the guy didn’t show her any PDA when she wanted it.

    You have already experienced this with her.

    She told you that she was falling in love with you, but she was not in love with you yet. Hence, yes, even if she felt half the way that she told you that she felt, she could still change her perspective on you.

    It doesn’t take much to lose that feeling of beginning to fall in love with someone, if her fear of being hurt or betrayed by that person is much stronger than whatever feelings she had built up for them.

    In other words, she would much rather lose you than go through the emotional anguish of being betrayed by you.

    She may not have necessarily lied to you about beginning to fall in love with you.

    Again, this was most likely when she allowed herself to let down her guard.

    However, she never actually fell in love with you.

    She was in the process of doing so.

    Now that she has put a stop to it due to her insecurities, it is much easier for her to let you go and move on.

    You should follow her example and do the same.

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