November 17, 2019 at 12:13 pm #21251
I have recently started talking to this new guy. We met about two weeks ago at this bar by our school on alumni night. We are both graduate students at our university with him being 23 years old and me 21, going onto 22 in a month. He is a transfer, therefor a new student at out school this year. He is finishing his baseball eligibility at our school, meaning he is still a student athlete on his final year. He is from Canada, and I am from Florida, even though he has lived in the US for the past 5 years due to college and baseball.
The first time we met we got along immediately as I was talking to him and my friend ended up talking to his roommate. Ironically he lives in the same neighborhood as me just a couple of buildings over so it is very easy for us to see each other. Anyways, the first we all met we ended up going back to their apartment for an “after party” and I ended up spending the night as it had gotten late. I told him from the start I wasn’t interested in anything because I had just gotten out of somewhat relationship with a person who happens to be on his team and wasn’t looking for anything at all or jump onto someone the first time I meet them. He proceeded to say he was ready for something and that he would never hurt me (blah blah you know how the story goes). He came onto me really strong and I honestly was very turned off by it. Even the morning after he said things like “I wish this morning never had to end” and for me that was too much right off the bat, too early. So the next day he messages me, and my friend and I are supposed to go out due to alumni weekend. Graeme, the guy I am talking too, messages me at night while I am already out saying him and his roommate fell asleep after a long day and just had woken up. So we continue to message each other the whole night while I am out, and I ended up going back to my apartment since I got back late and he was already asleep. So the next day he’s messaging me all day long super interested and asks me to come over and if I wanted to spend the night to which I was reluctant at first and wanted a way out of it but my friend said to give it a chance because you never know what might come out of it, and also give him a chance to cool off from being ‘too much’. So I went over, had a great night and yes we did become intimate after that night. He has morning lifts at 5:30 on monday, tuesday, wednesday and friday, so the morning after I was ready to leave when he got up but he wanted me to stay so I would be there when he came back. So I stayed. After that I was practically over almost every day of the week, end we got on so great and he actually calmed down from being “too forward and too much”. He started calling me “babe, baby, honey, sweetheart” you name it. Would never let me go, was very affectionate and couldn’t get enough of me and being together. So me on the other hand, as I was seeing that he really was interested in me and he meant well for real, I started to let my guard down in a way that I trusted as I never had a guy actually be so honest with me right off the start. I grew to like, as that was inevitable. He is leaving in 6 days to go back home for xmas break and won’t be back till the first week of Janurary ( a month and a half) and he stated he was already planning on seeing me everyday up to when he had to leave. He also planned about me going to watch him play next semester when baseball season starts, practically what I am trying to say is that he did everything, said everything while I just stood there taking it all in. I never asked for this, but went along with it. Last Sunday I went over and spent the night, and we had a great time we can talk about anything and everything and we are very similar so it is never awkward between us. Then randomly while we are about to fall asleep he says my name, and bring up the conversation of “do you think we are going too fast”. Neither of us have ever been in a situation where we were that intense with someone, both of us also have only date 1 person back in highschool so about 8-9 years ago. And this is our first time really spending that much time and effort with anyone. To that I did see his point, but at the same time I do not believe in time limit as in “oh it’s too early to do this or say this” if you are happy and like someone’s company and like them you should be free to say and act however you may like. He mentioned how we have been very intimate with each other, maybe too much, and that he doesn’t want me to become just that. As in, I go over we sleep together and then I leave in the morning and all over again the next day. To which I agree because that stuff get boring after a while. He said We should have done it backwards where starting off as friends and getting to know each other deeply and then intimacy kicking in. To which I also agreed but obviously we were in that situation already so we just needed to deal with it and go on from there. I then started to try to figure out if he was saying because he was getting cold feet, or if wanted to mess with other people, just trying to get to the bottom of it. He said it wasn’t that, he just wants to get to know me better and that we probably shouldn’t see each other as much and sleep together all the time, so I asked if he meant he was only going to see me once a week or every so on because that’s not okay for me because if you are trying to get to know someone you are going to do that by barely interacting with each other. Then we were quiet for a bit, and all of a sudden he turned me around grabbed my face between his hands looked me in the eyes and said “no, I really want to get to know you, I am interested in seeing where this goes, and making it work” so that was good. After that, the rest of the week we texted here and there, also somewhat made plans for friday to maybe go get something to eat. Friday came, and I didn’t hear anything from his yet about it so I messages him saying “going to assume you don’t want to see me tonight” and he said he was out for dinner and would be back soon he thought I had work till later that night” which I said “nope till 4″ and he said it was his fault. Then proceed to ask if we could hangout the next day, and then that’s when I said ‘honestly I was looking forward to seeing you today” and then he proceeded to say “we could hangout after your friendsgiving, but I’ll be back at this time tonight” so I waited and then I went over. And he said he went out with his teammate for food and then watched a movie with him since they hadn’t hung out in a while. While I was over, he was writing his 15 page paper which I also have to do. So we did talk but I didn’t want to bother him by distracting him. Anyways, he indicated that I did not sleep over that night and not that I was mad about it but I would have liked to spend more than just 1 hour or so with him especially since he is leaving soon. He saw I was kind of upset and quiet so I decided to just bring up the conversation again because I don’t want to waste time and go this whole xmas thinking of something and waiting for him to come back while it might not go anywhere. I told him I was looking forward to that night and doing something with him, and he said he had told me maybe so it wasn’t official. Then I said I felt like he was hot one minute and then cold the next, and we went from 0-100 and then 100-0 out of nowhere, and I asked if he felt the same way as he said the last night we had the conversation. He said he still feels the same, as in to get to know me and wanting to see where this goes. And I said in order to do that we actually have to put effort because it is not going to happen by itself with us not communicating, talking, seeing each other and spending quality time. He said he wanted a fresh start with me, where we begin as friends. So I asked if he meant he just wanted to be my friend from now on and that’s it, he said “no not forever, I am interested in you”. I said I am interested too, and willing to get to know him and build a friendship as well because that is important, but I stated that I was doing that because I am interested in being more than friends eventually and to figure out if we worked because I do not just want to be friends. He said he felt the same. So I left. The next morning (yesterday) i texted because I did not want me him feeling like I am a burden everytime we talk now by bringing this up I said something like “Goodmorning, Ih hope you didn’t take it the wrong way about last, I don’t want to be a burden everytime we talk. I just want us to keep enjoying each other’s company, getting to know one another and having fun like we have been” to which he replied “sound like a plan to me” then I replied later on changing the subject, and he replied to me late at night. I had also snapped him that morning and he never opened it, then viewed my story, so I snapped him again at night (random snap) and he opened it and that’s when he texted me. I texted back last night, and went to bed. Woke up today, without a text back. But he just texted back now video of his paper done when I got to work.
Moral of the story,
is there any advice you can give me?
He said he would of course see me before he left, but I don’t want to be the one initiating a hangout and coming across as needy and want him to be the one to do it just like he said he wanted to. I obviously want to see him before he leaves in 6 days, but if he doesn’t make the effort then I am not sure what to do.
I know that he likes me, he is into me and that he cares about me (he told me so) so I understand that he might be taking a step back because he is scared, and doesn’t know how to approach this situation. But where does that leave me? He used to text me from day to night everyday almost, and now I feel like I am not hearing from him as much. But he is the kind of person who likes being by himself, and doesn’t need or crave company a lot so I feel like when he does act this certain way he is clueless to it, he is not doing it on purpose he is legit just clueless and doesn’t even realize he is doing it.November 18, 2019 at 7:50 am #21252
This new guy that you met is worried that your feelings for him have already deepened and yet, the both of you never really laid the foundation of friendship before getting to this point.
He knows that he started his intimate relationship with you too quickly and now regrets it.
That is why he isn’t texting you as frequently and has recently tried to avoid seeing you as much.
He is worried that his relationship with you has become all about coming over to his place and sleeping over.
He just doesn’t feel like he knows you.
Being that the both of you have only experienced being with one other person, back when you were both in high school, he may not quite know how to navigate this.
He may have been friends first with the person that he dated back in high school for a period of time before getting intimate with her.
Hence, his current situation with you is quite foreign to him.
At this time, he just wants to go back to Canada for Xmas and have some time to think this through.
There is a good chance that when he returns, he is either going to ask you to just be his friend or he will start ignoring you.
In other words Noemi, he doesn’t want to continue this intimate relationship.
He hasn’t told himself that quite yet.
He is still making himself believe that he just wants to go back home to Canada and think things through first.
However, once he goes back to Canada for Xmas, he will have the time and space away from you to ultimately come to accept this decision.
He has already shown you that he is the kind of person who likes being by himself and doesn’t need or crave attention.
He knows that you are not like him in this capacity.
Hence, there is already a part of him that has gotten tired with the fact that you were always coming over, even though he also facilitated this.
In the next 6 days before he leaves, he is going to try to avoid putting himself in a situation where the both of you are one on one.
In essence, he may actually not even try to see you before he leaves.
He may message.
However, he just wants to put some space between the both of you.
It is best to prepare yourself for where this is leading.
You were worried about the prospect of wasting time over the Xmas holidays, thinking and waiting for him, with no definitive understanding about whether this relationship will go anywhere.
Unfortunately, it won’t.
It is best to prepare yourself now.
During the Xmas vacation, his lack of communicating will continue and get even worse.
You may have to be the one to initiate contact most of the time.
Again, once he returns, he will most likely tell you that he just wants to be friends or he may just start ignoring you altogether.November 18, 2019 at 8:59 am #21255
Thank you for responding and sorry about the long message.
I do believe that this guy does care about me and does like me. He is the one that initiated this whole thing, was obsessed with me while I actually wasn’t into him at first. He stated he wants to make this work and really wants to see if we will work out and wants to have a deep connection with me by getting to know me better and not have me turn into just a intimate relationship without the foundation. He always texts me to know how I’m doing how my day was, and he always initiated to wanting to spend time with me and we really have great chemistry when we are together. I do believe that we should have started the other way around rather than just jumping right into the intense part at first. So I agree with him with taking things slow and enjoying each other, to which he wants to keep doing that. I know that right now he is probably just thinking about going home and is really excited as he hasn’t been home in 2 years. I feel as if he might be scared as he has never been in this situation before and gotten this far with a person before apart from that one relationship back in high school to which we were all kids at the time so he knows this might be more serious regarding the stage in our lives. I know he has a lot of thinking to do to which I also have.
As for me, I’m just left wondering how exactly I am supposed to act and go about it now. He states he would of course see me and wants to spend time before he left so I will leave the ball in his court and have him reach out to me for that. I don’t think I should keep initiating hanging out from now on, as he knows that I would like that. He clearly stated he really cares about me and really wants a connection rather than just a hookup. Which I’m very happy with. It is obviously just hard to that if we aren’t making it happen and getting to know each other by hanging out and actually doing something about it as it is not going to happen by itself. I guess I am prepared for anything but I also do believe this guy has really good intentions seeing how he has been towards me this whole time.November 18, 2019 at 10:11 am #21256
Perhaps he did have good intentions.
However, when the intimacy occurred, it may have really changed his entire perspective.
Even though he has told you that he wants to make this work and wants to establish a deep connection with you by getting to know you, his actions are proving otherwise.
He is no longer communicating with you as frequently as he used to.
His lack of communicating also means that he isn’t taking the time to get to know you on a deeper basis by getting into more intricate conversations with you.
He is also not putting out any effort to engage in activities with you outside of hanging out at his place.
His actions aren’t matching his words.
How you act and go about it now depends on how willing you are to accept that he is not looking to be with you.
You have stated that you are prepared for anything and yet, you are still holding on to the belief that he will make this relationship work.
A lot of your hope comes from how he acted in the beginning when he was initiating contact a lot and was seemingly obsessed with you.
A lot has changed since then.
It would be wise to prepare yourself for the very strong likelihood that not only will he not want to try to see you physically before he leaves for Canada, but that when he returns from the Xmas holidays, he will not want to continue this intimate relationship.
With that understanding, you could either wait to see what he does when he returns from Xmas holidays or you could make a decision to end your intimate relationship with him and let him know that before he leaves.
Ending your intimate relationship with him on your own terms before he leaves will free you from the temptation of holding out hope over the Xmas holidays that this intimate relationship can be salvaged.
This will help free your mind.
It could also have an advantageous effect in giving him something to think about over the Xmas holidays while he is in Canada.
Your decisive action would have taken him by surprise.
The sudden loss of the intimate relationship may suddenly make him that much more aware of how much he would miss having you around in the manner that he has gotten used to.
This mental experience alone could make him realize that he actually wants to make this relationship work, for real this time.
Instead of just paying lip service to this, he may actually return after the Xmas holidays with a lot more fervor to develop a deeper connection with you.
He may actually start acting the part instead of just making empty declarations.
If you choose to wait instead, again, you should be prepared for what is most likely coming.
This would be the strong likelihood that he will either tell you that he just wants to be friends or that he will just start ignoring you.
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