This topic contains 9 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by 
Luke 3 years, 7 months ago.
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Noemi AnayaHi there! I’ve been going through some pretty crappy and stressful situation with this guy for a while now. I honestly would love your input and advice. Let’s start with he’s a sophomore and I’m a grad student. Last year he was a freshman and I was a senior. He’s on the baseball team. He’s about a year younger than me(so older for his grade). We’ve been talking for 8 month. We’ve been hooking up, hanging out and all that good stuff. During summer I thought things were gonna fizzle out, but they didn’t . When we got back to school he was excited to see and would call me a lot (which he never did) text me a lot (which he’s so bad At he’d go hours or a day without replying). I knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship but honestly I didn’t mind because I was just going with the flow and enjoying spending time him ya know? We always had a good time. Never fought or argued. We were really chill. I’ve gotten annoyed at him for shit, but he never was bothered by it cause he didn’t wanna stop talking to me or be done so we’d always be fine. He’s always come back and act like everything was fine and good, He never left the situation. About a month ago he was like “you know you’re my only girl” and would put me on his social media. Everyone knew about us it wasn’t a secret. Then last time we hung out (a month ago) I got frustrated at him and may have gotten a little emotional because I was fed up with his crap and old ways. I didn’t just wanna see him once a week or once every two weeks ya know and was annoying at him always taking hours or a day to reply back, of if he’s says yeah I wanna see ya or wyd I’ll text u or Let u know later and then radio silence for the night, at that point we could stop talking cause that’s boring. And I also had suspicions he was doing other girls, he’s a typical sophomore all boys in college are like that, I mean even earlier that night while we were on the the phone while I was about to go over he told this girl in the hallway “tell her to slide” and girl replied “that’s your job” and hung up on me. Then called me back and said to come over which I did and then he explained he was trying to help his roommate out it wasn’t about him. So obviously that night I was super emotional and I had been drinking too. Anyways we had a good talk and he was like super nice and sweet and said he just isn’t good with girls and he’s afraid he was gonna hurt me. So anyways the week goes by like usual, texting and snapping. On the next Saturday I saw him at the pool and he came over to me with his friends and we were talking about the night. He said yeah I’ll text you later I’ll let you know (in regards to hanging out) so that night I went to the same bar he goes to (I used to go a lot but I stopped) but didn’t see him and he snapped me he was there but then didn’t try to see me and didn’t hear from him the rest of the night. I made some assumptions cause like if he’s not hitting me up after a night out who is he hitting up ya know? and the next day he was like “maybe when u stop making assumptions I’ll reply”. So I was like ok. The next week we kept of snapping like normal. Then the Friday I goes “wyd wanna hang” and he was like “yeah I’ll let u know” and then he didn’t do anything about it. So the next day (Saturday) I’m like u wanna hang anytime soon (cause we always hang out on the weekends) he said out of nowhere “we want different things” and I was like I want the same as you he said I don’t think so. So I said where is this coming from, and he said “what u mean u were crying to me and Saying I’m doing all these other girls” So I said u don’t wanna see me anymore u wanna be done” And he said “I didn’t say that I just dont wanna hurt u” so I said I knew and that I was chill with that and hanging out cause I wasn’t expecting a relationship. So then he ignores my texts for the rest of the week but keeps snapping me so I’m like wtf??? So then the next Friday I’m like alright things should be chill by now, so I asked if he wanted to hang and he just ignored me so I was like if u wanna be done just say it. Again ignored. So the next day Saturday I’m minding my own business about to go out with the girls and he randomly texts me at 11 pm while he’s out with the boys and the bar. “U a dub” and I’m like what and he’s like 🤞🏼 so I’m like I’m confused and he says ✌🏼. Anyways he kept snapping me the next day like normal so again I’m like wtf ya know. This last week he again would just keep ignoring my texts, never replied or anything but then would snap me without opening any of the snaps I sent. The Saturday I saw he opened them. So Saturday night I said something like if You’re gonna ignore me why you even keep snapping me. So since then he stopped snapping me. But then out of nowhere he texts me on a Monday “add my boy Houston on snap he thinks u cute” with his snap name. So I’m fuming by then cause I’m like are u effing serious like what’s wrong with him. Houston is his roommate who obviously knows about me and this guy. So I said what’s wrong with u I’m tryna see you not him. And he goes “he’s my roommate you’ll still see me” So I’m like is he just trying to piss me off now? Cause he’s being a dickhead for no reason at all I haven’t done anything to him. He’s done a 360. I mean if u wanna be done just say it, now being disrespectful and disgusting like this has no point cause nothing happened for him to be like this. So I’m like there was so reason for him to say that cause his roommates could have easily just messaged me directly of gotten my snap off someone. so Alec, the guy I’m talking about, had literally no reason to need to say that and that’s why I’m like he’s just playing a freaking game and think he’s actually enjoying this. He’s trying to get under my skin and gas lighting the situation. So what do you even think about this or how should I go about it? Anyways, yeah I feel like crap and have absolutely no idea what happened. I’m hurt and completely clueless cause he’s never been rude Before or disrespectful so him acting like this is got me effed up. I really care for him, even though I know I probably shouldn’t. Also must I point out he’s super immature. I even snapped snapped him a text sone last night and he responded in morning with “u sent this at 5am?” And all I said was “yah”. He actually opened that text snap at 7 am right after his workout which was weird cause he wasn’t opening any my snaps to him this week. And then when I responded “yah” he opened it again to see what I said. (Though he hasn’t opened the pic snaps) and then just didn’t respond. What’s my tactic?
Also, he randomly snapped me on Saturday even though he still hasn’t opened my Snaps or texted me back or anything. So I’m like what should I do now? I just want things to be normal and chill I mean this is shitty, I don’t like being in this situation where we are not talking for no reason or him being so rude and disrespectful towards me.It’s like he resents me now but nothing has happened for him to feel that way about me. But he won’t talk about, instead he just ignores me and maybe pops out of nowhere with a effed up text or a random snap. After this last snap on Saturday, I decided to go ahead and casually ask him if he was mad at me or something over text, and he replied to me pretty quickly “please leave me alone.” I mean what is actually wrong with him? He’s the one who randomly snapped me when we hadn’t been in contact for a week, and obviously I am only trying to set things right because I do not like being on bad terms with people. If a person wants to be done with you and talking to you I understand that, it happens. I’m not sure why he is taking the mean and disrespectful route with me when he could have just said so. In fact, he actually hasn’t said those words aloud.
Noemi AnayaI know I had initially posted some of this post a couple of weeks ago and you did respond, but now more has happened and I am even more confused than before.
Hi Noemi,
He may have told you to add his boy Houston on Snap because he was trying to gauge how you would respond to that.
He has already made a feeble attempt at breaking up when he told you that the both of you want different things.
He then backed up that statement by saying that you were crying to him and telling him about all these other girls that he is doing.
Hence, he may have tried to use his roommate in this instance to see whether you would react in a really emotional way, further proving to him that you want a lot more from this casual relationship than he is willing to give you.
Even though you have tried to make him believe that you are just going with the flow because you know that he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t believe that you have truly been going with the flow.
At the bar, you made some assumptions about the possibility that he was hitting up some other girl because he didn’t try to see you while there nor did you hear from him the rest of the night.
The next day, he told you that maybe when you stop making assumptions, he will reply.
He was irritated with you when he responded in this way.
His major fear with you is that you want more out of this.
He is not at a place mentally and emotionally where he would want to give more to his relationship with you than he already is.
Even though you may believe that you have done nothing to warrant this type of behavior, he still feels like you care a lot more for him than you have been trying to let on.
Not only has he sensed it but he has also witnessed it through your behavior.
Hence, he has been ignoring your texts and barely opening your snaps because he wants to create some distance from you.
He is worried that if he continues to give you consistent attention on social media as well as hang out with you every weekend, you are going to become more and more emotionally attached to him.
Again, no matter how hard you try to hide it, he knows that you have started caring for him a lot more than he feels comfortable with and you will only care for him more if he were to continue hanging out and talking to you on a consistent basis.
How you should go about this is to start being more nonchalant with him.
He needs to see that you aren’t getting emotionally attached to him.
This means that you have to avoid complaining about other girls or your dissatisfaction that you don’t get to see him as often as you would want to.
You have to start coming off as though you don’t care about any of this.
This should be your tactic.
It is when you show this kind of nonchalant behavior that you will make him start valuing his relationship with you a lot more.
This is what could make him feel compelled to put in more of an effort to talk to you and hang out with you.
If he keeps getting the sense that you are needy, you will only keep pushing him further and further away from you.
What you should do is stop snapping him so frequently, especially not at 5am.
You need to give him the impression that you have your own life and you are not constantly thinking about him.
Guys often start seriously chasing a girl when they get the impression that the girl doesn’t need them.
You need to develop this level of nonchalance.
If he sends you a random snap without opening your previous snaps, do not respond to that random snap.
Doing this will show him that you are not so incredibly desperate for his attention.
This is how you will start planting the seeds of both desire and doubt in his mind.
It is how you start creating stakes in this relationship.
When a guy starts feeling as though there are stakes, he will start putting in a lot more effort to make a relationship work because he will become fearful that he is on the verge of losing it.
He replied to your text by telling you to leave him alone because in asking him whether he was mad at you, that only made him feel that much more that you are seeking emotional acknowledgment from him and you are too needy.
In asking you to leave him alone, he was seeking some reprieve from your neediness.
What is wrong with him is simply a feeling that this relationship has taken a turn that he never wanted.
He feels like he has to nourish you emotionally and he doesn’t want that kind of responsibility.
He is taking the mean and disrespectful route because he is trying to push against what it is that he knows you want.
He has chosen not to tell you that he is done with the relationship because there is still a part of him that hopes that the relationship can one day get back to how it was when the both of you initially started hooking up and hanging out.
NoemiHello Luke, thank you for getting back to me. I really appreciate your help while going through this awful situation. Your words mean a lot.
I definitely agree with everything you’ve said!
As far as how to approach the rest of the situation, what exactly do you believe I should do.
Not contacting him at all? As of now, the only way to I would see him or hear from him is if we text/snap since he is at school and I do not live on campus where I would randomly run into him on my way to class. I do live 1 minute away as I live off campus right by the campus, but my classes are on Saturdays so unless I really go out of my way to see him it wouldn’t just randomly happen.
So obviously since he said “please me alone” I shouldn’t text him anymore, correct? As far as snap, I do see that slowly he has been opening the old snaps I sent him. So does that mean I shouldn’t even snap him randomly here and there? Should I completely disappear and give him space and see if he comes around? Because I’ve exhausted everything I can possibly do at this point.Hi Noemi,
Yes, as of now, you shouldn’t initiate contact. That includes texting and snaps.
Even though he may be slowly opening up your old snaps, you shouldn’t initiate a random snap here and there.
Yes, you should completely disappear and give him space.
This is a strategy of making yourself a lot less available to him.
Something that is scarcely available tends to have more value than something that is readily available all the time.
Focus on your life for now and leave him be.
This is often one of the most effective ways to make a guy start seeing your value and consequently try to save a relationship.
Noemi AnayaHello Luke,
again thank you for sharing your advice. It is so good to hear some great advice while going trough this hard time, because it has been.
I wonder if he’ll come back around or eventually will pop up with a random snap or even text in the future. Sometimes when I sit there and think I’m afraid maybe he might really be gone (especially since he said ‘please me alone’), but then I do agree with you that he may have said that out of frustration and did not want to answer my question about the situation at the moment.
I then go on to believe that he will eventually pop up somewhere as he as always done that. Even when he called me a dub, or told me to add his friend on snapchat, he would always randomly come back around and pop up. Obviously I can’t sit here and wish and hope for that day to happen, but I have a gut feeling he will. What do you think from your perspective as a man? As you even mentioned, he hasn’t officially used the words “he’s done” because he may want to rekindle the relationship we once had in the future. I guess maybe completely disappearing might make him miss him, as he is not used to not hearing from for a long period of time. That’s why my gut feeling tells me eventually I will hear from me, but then because I am a woman I tend to think about the possibility that maybe he is really gone and our relationship and friendship is as well.Hi Noemi,
Yes, as long as you stay away and avoid initiating contact, there is a reasonable chance that he will pop up with a random snap or text.
As men, we often don’t realize what we have until we lose it.
That is why men so often come back after a breakup and beg their exes to take them back.
It is understandable that you would think that he is really gone and that your relationship and friendship is gone as well.
That is the fear within you that is speaking and you shouldn’t give it attention.
It will only end up making you do something that you will regret, such as checking his social media obsessively.
This will only lead to one result.
You will message him and this would be a mistake.
Being that the both of you have been casually dating for many months, it is unlikely that he will forget you that easily.
The both of you have a history.
A relationship that has history is often a lot harder to let go of than if the both of you had only hooked up and hung out once or twice.
All of this notwithstanding, it is still possible that he is really gone.
There are no guarantees.
However, you stand a better chance of him coming back if you disappear and live your life as though you have moved on.
NoemiHi Luke,
Again it is so nice to hear your advice and opinion in this. It’s been really helping make sense about this situation. I do apologize for keeping on asking questions and bugging you, but it is a comfort to hear some outside advice and words.
I agree with what you said, and it makes me feel a little better to see that I’m not just being hopeful and delusional thinking something when it may be completely something else.
I do believe he hasn’t just forgotten about me, especially when you’re with something for many months. It is true that my fear gets the best of me and I start to think that it is over, that I won’t hear from him anymore and that’s the end of that. Especially since it has been a month and a half that we haven’t seen each other, and it’s been many weeks where we have been in this exhausting situation where I’m not even sure how it started and how we got to this point. On top of that, the more days pass and I don’t hear from him, even like a random snap obviously knocks my confidence down and all hopes of ever hearing from him again.. and especially when I think back to him telling me “please leave me alone”
As of today he hasn’t snapped me since last Saturday (not this one that just went by). And actually I did see recently he opened the Snapchat chat to see if I had sent him a message or whatnot but he hasn’t opened my Snapchat pictures since October 7th (even though slowly he has been opening them randomly). Like I said the more days pass the more I fear I have done something wrong, pushed him away and made him not like me or want anything to do with me. So it’s a horrible feeling. Obviously there’s nothing I can do anymore, I can’t text, snap or contacting at all it won’t get me anywhere.
Actually, I started snap chatting one of his teammates so I’m kind of friends with (and he is friends with him as well). I figured that would get his attention but not in a petty way, more like “oh wow she’s hasn’t been trying to contact me at all” and well I feel like that would get to him because he loves the attention and knowing he has got me on a string. Obviously I would never act on his friend or full on flirt so it’s more like a game plan. I know it seems childish and petty to do this but sometimes with people I feel like you have to play their same game cause that’s the only way to deal with them since obviously nothing else is working.
The more days pass the more I get an anxious, I know I need to have patience and men take a lot longer to process things.
On top of that it’s almost the end on October which mean the school semester will end soon on the first weeks or so of December which is super close and makes me even more sad to think this whole month and a half has already passed and we’ve been spending it in this situation where at first things were so good and we were spending time with each other.
I gues I just really hope that as time goes with him non contacting me at all day after day he won’t just forget about it. I know I am venting right now, but it’s just hard to see all this time go and still not hearing anything.
NoemiAlso I apologize for all my misspellings, I was typing on a phone!
Hi Noemi,
It is understandable that you would have these fears.
As time goes on without you hearing from him, you can easily become more and more worried that he will forget you.
It has been a month and a half since all of this began and all you long for is to go back to how it was in the beginning.
As the semester draws closer and closer to a close, your anxiety is increasing.
Again, this is all understandable.
But, it just doesn’t help you to keep thinking about this incessantly.
The fact that you are snapchatting one of his teammates just so that you get his attention is also something that may not be wise.
It will just keep you in the cycle of wondering whether what you are doing is having an effect on him instead of allowing yourself to move forward and truly live a life that is rich and rewarding.
Until you let this go completely and move forward, you will keep making yourself susceptible to the temptation of reaching out to him in some capacity which will only exacerbate the situation.
You have to disconnect yourself emotionally from this situation as much as possible.
One of the most effective ways to do that is to get busy with new and exciting activities.
Get to know new people.
Doing all of this will allow your mind to start focusing on something else.
Stay away from aspects of life that will remind you of him whether it be in pop culture or locations.
You actually have to make it feel as though you have truly moved on from him for you to have the best chance of him coming back.
If you spend every waking hour besides the time you are in class or studying, thinking about this guy, you will most certainly initiate contact with him at some point and possibly ruin any chances of getting him back by doing so.
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